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Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
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4:33 am - I ♥ minutia and it ♥s me ...
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I think I will start a community and call it the Megan Amelia fan club. In the past four days, three people have added me to their friends list. Wow! Before that, no one had added me in months. Change your bio, and the way your name looks and bam! instant popularity. If only I'd known earlier!
Sometimes the most random things make me happy. Like going into Subway and finding cherry and vanilla syrup nozzles on the fountain drink machine. Rock! But then having cherry syrup splatter all over the sweatshirt I just received today ... that just sucks.
Yesterday was my grandma's birthday. She went around telling everyone she was older than she really was. Until my dad said, "you're not 74 ... you're 73." She said she was glad my dad gave her that year of her life back. My grandma is so funny. She has a great sense of humor, but virtually no common sense. It's really great to see someone who can't remember how old they are, make witty jokes. It makes you feel ... neat.
Today is my mom's birthday. I hope we do something nifty.
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| Saturday, September 21st, 2002
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3:46 am - Sleep soon, the benadryl is setting in ...
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I made chocolate mousse today, with Jeffrey's moral support. *I add the milk* "Go Megan!" It turned out deeelicious!
Lots of stuff happened today. We socialized, and met some nice and funny new people. Sometimes it shocks me how "see-through" some people can be, especially when they are people trying very hard to be opaque. When I say see-through, I don't mean it offensively ... I don't mean someone is shallow, I just mean that it is easy to see their souls, even when they try to hide them.
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| Thursday, September 19th, 2002
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5:11 pm - Singing sweet high notes that echo back ...
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Last night, after Jeffrey left, I had nothing to do and was feeling inspired so I made a new user pic. As is it says, it is two (stick) people holding hands, not a pinecone on a string. Although a short cartoon about a pinecone on a string is a good idea. Hmm ...
Yesterday was Molly's birthday. Sandra made Molly a yummy cinnamony cake! Mmm!
Also yesterday, I bought something called Funky Fries - Cocoa Crispers. Chocolate flavored french fries. I like potato chips dipped in chocolate ... and I figured these would be similar. But they weren't really. They were more chocolate than fry. Too sweet, not enough salt. Oh well!
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| Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
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12:12 am - Vital information ...
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Did you ever think to yourself, "I need an envelope that is too small to mail. Where am I going to get a teenie tiny envelope?" Well ... I have your solution:
TinyEnvelope.com.
Don't worry, you can thank me later.
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| Monday, September 16th, 2002
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3:34 am - I couldn't stand up, I couldn't sit down ... I couldn't get to sleep and I couldn't eat ...
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Have you ever been so in love with something - in this case, in this moment, a song - you wished you could play it for everyone, because everyone in the whole world should love it? I get that feeling a lot. Like, "if I could just play this song for everyone. If I could get them to listen and understand. If I could make them feel the way I feel." World peace could follow.
"I could take this song, and build from it. Heal all wounds, and fulfill all needs." Like a six year old, I still believe in things like this. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
That there's nothing so complex that it can't be solved with an embrace. That there are some things so beautiful that they can change everything even if it takes awhile. Only the purest things though.
And I hope as I get older, this is a part of me that I never lose touch with. That I never give up on this. I know some people would think this was silly ... but I don't know ... I think deep down everyone has this, but often somewhere along the way it gets lost. I really believe the solution to every problem is to find this part in everyone and bring it out. That's what I did ... and I can't even describe how much better my life is.
A small part of me fears this might have come off as self-indulgent or arrogant or cliched. I just want to change someone's life for the better.
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| Sunday, September 15th, 2002
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4:37 am - Words I like ...
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Pixie.
Stars.
Sparkle.
Moxie.
Heart.
Beatnik. (I like that "nik" thing.)
Dream.
Cloud.
Pop.
Violet.
Snowflake. (See picture.)
Cinnamon.
Pine.
I mean look at them. Rock. Now say them. Rock! Do both at the same time! Super rock!!! :)
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| Friday, September 13th, 2002
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4:38 am - The only time I feel alright is by your side (singing in the dead of night) ...
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Recently, late at night I have been getting dizzy for prolonged periods of time. I go to bed and when I wake up, it's gone. But I am so dizzy right now.
I am afraid of the future. And just a few days ago I was so sure of everything. But now ...
I need "B" to really HAVE "A," but in pursuit of "B" I might lose "A" for awhile, when "A" is all I really want. And I need "A" to get by. So if "A" departs from San Francisco at 9:47 and is traveling at 36 mph and "B" travels at 128 kmph when leaving Grand Central Station when will the two satellites leave Earth's orbit, and get sucked into an interdimensional rift if the rift is rotating in a clockwise direction?
Some things are becoming more confusing, just as others are becoming clearer.1
1. Everything I thought I knew about myself I now doubt. And the things I questioned are now known.
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| Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
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5:47 pm - Domokun ...
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wants to be your friend.
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| Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
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2:50 pm - Sweet and simple ...
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5:06 am - We can't rewind, we've gone too far ...
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I almost bought some feathery fairy wings today. I think I will. When I wore wings around campus last Halloween it felt really ... comfortable. Really me. I'm considering this an upgrade.
Have you ever felt like things were converging? Moving and aligning, and that it was only a matter of time before the truth was realized? I keep having that feeling. Like life's little coincidences were adding up slowly but surely. It's tense and reassuring. And the waiting is painful. I kind of feel like I shouldn't wait. I should do something to expedite the process (sometimes I think even fate is a bureaucracy), but then I get the feeling it would be useless anyway.
You know what would be funny? If there was a candy shaped like pills. Talk about sending kids a mixed message. How silly. Ridgely's icon made me think of that, because I was like "Wow! Those colors are nice. They look yummy!"
I am watching the video for "Video Killed the Radio Star." Rock my sockness.
:)
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| Sunday, September 8th, 2002
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1:25 pm - So we can start over again ...
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I got inspired to write that other entry last night because of another entry I was going to write. But then I never got around to writing my original intended entry. I get so easily distracted.
A summary of life. Thursday night, Jeffrey and I went to Books - A - Million to pick up the Hamtaro Handbook I ordered. When we were there, before I picked up my book, a guy who worked there came up and asked me if I'd picked up my book. I was really weirded out. How did he know me? Whoa. :) But anyway, while we were walking around there, we saw David. I forgot to tell him his drawings were cool. Oops. After the bookstore, Jeffrey and I went to Bojangles. I consider Bojangles to be my top college hangout. I get all nostalgic when I'm there. Which is kinda funny considering I only went to one semester of college, and it was just eight months ago.
Lately Jeffrey and I have become ... domestic. We hang out at home a lot now, instead of at playgrounds, or random restaurants. That is probably because neither one of really has too much money to throw around on frivilous things like petrol (I've always wanted to say that) or food. Last night we watched A Wedding Story or whatever that show is called. It had Paige from Trading Spaces on it. It made me all happy. One day I will wear a white dress and Jeffrey will ... wear something cool. :) It will be great. :)
I almost forgot the definite, but not conclusive list of songs Amelia and the Pajama Phenomena will cover in the future:
"Blow Away" - George Harrison
"Place To Be" - Nick Drake
"Hey Sandy" - Polaris
"I Can't Stop Smiling" - Velocity Girl
I REALLY want to do "Blow Away." A really spunky version.
See how happy that was? No bruises, only marshmallows. But I like it that way.
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4:04 am - I <3 hearts ...
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Sometimes I wish I could write about my life in black and blue and gray. Write angry words like "violation" and "wretched." And I when I finished writing the words they wouldn't look like words. They would look like bruises on paper.
But that is not me. I only have pastel colored inks. Out come words like "sparkle" and "pop." When I try to make a bruise, only a marshmallow shows up.
Why complain about being happy, right? Because a bruise commands more respect than a marshmallow.
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| Thursday, September 5th, 2002
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5:04 am - Smiling strange ...
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A lot has happened, but I haven't really felt able to write. My thoughts have been racing and I really haven't felt like taking time out. Sometimes, my mind gets really insatiable, and I can't stop doing something, until I find out all about it, or I run into a dead end. Like today. It all started with the word fashion. It led me on a day-long crusade. It started out trendy, momentarily detoured at photography and mental reflection on design school, then continued on to kitsch, where I stopped and visited and researched, got inspired then lost it, then got it again. I really felt at home with kitsch/crafty. It was like a warm sparkly patchwork bubble bath. I browsed through rave-y stuff and came to the conclusion that I should meld the two. So my excursion into the world of clothes begins.
I have one true passion. Art. And under the category of art lie my three art subpassions. Music. Visual art (painting, drawing, collaging). Clothes (I'm not afraid to say it). Well, I kind of suck at music, as I've repeatedly lamented. And as far as art goes, my hand does not collaborate well with brushes or pencils or glue sticks (although with a camera, I have been able to gain some satisfaction). So somewhere between my mind and my canvas, lots is lost in the translation. But clothes.
Perfecting my outside style so that it is congruous with my inside style has always been a bit of an obsession. If this is terribly shallow, so be it. I have always had the dream that one day, my clothes would become more like fabric extensions of my body. And then my face, my hair, my body type, and my new fabric extremities would join forces to represent me to the outside world. And there would be no misperceptions about who I was or what I thought.
On perhaps, a more respectable note, yesterday, I went on ebay and looked for the first Sandman trade paperback, for no reason at all; before yesterday, I had no interest in buying it whatsoever. I put one on my items to watch page, but then today, out of the blue, Jeffrey was like ... "I think I'm going to get the first Sandman trade paperback, because there's still some of it I don't have." Wow! The weirdness, huh? Great minds, bla bla bla ...
Also, yesterday I got digital cable, which means Noggin, which means The Adventures of Pete and Pete. *and the crowd goes wild* Yay!!!
I feel manic. Bring on the world!!
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| Monday, September 2nd, 2002
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4:03 am - This is for Ariel ...
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Kick out the messages! Massages. Whatever.
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| Sunday, September 1st, 2002
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1:03 pm - "I thought I'd see when day is done ..."
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Yeah. Barrett's funeral. I feel okay writing now. But I've never cried so hard at a funeral. I'm just glad Jeffrey was there, holding my hand. Literally and metaphorically.
In my life I've been to about a dozen funerals. I've only been to three where everything said was true. My Uncle Will, my Grandpa John, and Barrett's.
I'll be honest. I don't get terribly depressed when elderly people die. I very easily accept the idea that it was just their time. I mean, sure it's depressing, but, you know, they lived a good, long, fulfilling life.
But when someone so young takes their own life ... it's just different. I say so young, even though he was a couple months older than I.
You think to yourself, maybe I could have done something. If I'd kept in contact. If I'd tried a little harder to get him to talk about what was wrong. He never would talk. I'd ask and he'd change the subject. Always. But just maybe, you know. If I'd pressed more. I always figured I was digging too deep. But he needed someone. I see that now.
I used to be suicidal. Now I feel so far removed from it. I can't understand the why behind suicide anymore.
***
When I was younger, younger than before,
I never saw the truth hanging from the door.
And now I'm older see it face to face,
And now I'm older gotta get up clean the place.
And I was green, greener than the hill,
Where the flowers grew and the sun shone still.
Now I'm darker than the deepest sea,
Just hand me down, give me a place to be.
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| Friday, August 30th, 2002
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1:08 pm - With a little help from Shelf McLain ...
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Hey! Hey!
Do you use Dawn dish soap? Do ya?
Then go here and help save a duck. Or otter. Or other animal that lives in the water.
Saving a duck, or otter, or other animal that lives in the water ... rocks!
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| Monday, August 26th, 2002
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8:28 am - Not so short, but very, very sweet ...
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Happy birthday to the one I call my own.
I love you.
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| Saturday, August 24th, 2002
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3:52 pm - A demonstration of my profound love for conversation hearts ...
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What Candy Heart Are You?
Is it that surprising your candy heart implores you to "Say Yes"? Well it shouldn't if it's just mimicking what your true heart wants to say. Whether you're with your soul mate or still trying to find them, you're beyond flitting from date to date. You're ready for it all, the commitment of a lifetime, the white picket fence and the matching "his" and "hers" slippers.
You can take the quiz here.
Wow, not only is it true, but it is the name of one of my favorite Elliott Smith songs. :)
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3:45 am - Life is strange, and sometimes life is cruel ...
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Well ... hmm. I am going to be plain. Rumors (I say rumors because I have not personally been able to confirm them, though I am beginning to believe them) say that Barrett Dye committed suicide or perhaps died of an overdose. An overdose of what, is unknown. Here is a Kingsport Times-News article from last night that is supposedly about him.
I feel weird writing this, because I haven't talked to him since around graduation. But, he was the only person I remained friends with from my first week of school in Tennessee until graduation.
We had at least one class together every year. And we always sat together, because a lot of times the only person we knew in the class was one another (and in the beginning, being close alphabetically didn't hurt). We would sit in the back and make little jokes about the stupid preppy type people. I think sometimes other people in class read more into the relationship than was really there. Especially economics in eleventh grade. There were a few other people that we talked to in that class, and they would make jokes. "Oooh! Megan! I think Barrett is flirting with you!" "Oh Baaaaarrett, I think Megan is trying to tell you something." But it was all just silliness. We were always just friends. After graduation though, I went to ETSU and he went to Northeast State, and that was that.
I always figured one day we'd run into each other somewhere around town, and say, "Hey! What have you been doing lately?" then talk for a little while and say "See you later." And maybe we would. But now it's looking like maybe not.
But I'm holding out hope for maybe so.
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| Thursday, August 22nd, 2002
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2:37 am - Wait a little bit longer ...
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I don't want to because now I'm depressed.
I don't even have to be experiencing certain things for them to make me sad. Thinking of their existence is enough.
Alas, my solution has returned!
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